This coming Sunday on my 59th birthday the church I serve will decide whether or not to continue this relationship and for how long. In many ways it is no different than contract negotiations between an organization and its leader. Salary and tenure are involved. How many years are we going to extend his contract before another serious review? How much can we afford to offer him not to switch teams? Trying to determine if his leadership is the right “fit” for our organization is a concern.

Actually, it really is about none of these. It is ALL about what God wants for his church. The pastor and the church should be praying, “Not my will but Yours be done!” I can say truthfully that I have never taken a job based on the offer of salary or the amount of tenure. I have on several occasions taken less pay to take a position or to stay in a position because I felt that God was leading me to that position or ministry. Jesus never said, “I wonder what the best course for me would be?” He certainly wouldn’t have asked about stock options and benefits. I’m not saying that taking care of family and our needs is unimportant or should lack consideration. But if God is calling you to a place, a role, a ministry, he will provide. At least, that is the testimony of Scripture and our experience as well.

Having said that, I will tell you that I have spent more time than usual considering this decision and the future of my ministry. Should you wonder why, you should read yesterday’s post on TIME. Normally, I would not share about my inner wrangling about the matter. But I have sons and sons-in-law in the ministry and maybe grandsons who will be called in the future. So I am leaving this short documentary about the inner questions and struggles of a pastor who didn’t always ask the right questions or thought too little about the answers. Whatever Sunday’s outcome, these are the things that have been bouncing around in my head.

Since I don’t know how long I have left to do ministry (taking it one day at a time) but I know that God’s work takes time to accomplish, I have been thinking about the next 10 years. That will take me to around 70 years of age. So I am thinking…

Of all the places that I have been and all the places that I could go is THIS the place where God wants me to be to do his work? Almost 7 years ago Sheila and I left for Tennessee, breaking a 25 year relationship with the great state of South Carolina. We felt like Abraham and Sarah, leaving the familiar for the great unknown. Since then, Tennessee has become home, and we feel AT HOME here. But unfortunately comfort is not what concerns God. He seems to call us to discomfort in the desire to create again the need to trust him. Since moving here, God has taken and placed our children in the four corners of the Southeast: Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee and Louisiana. Locating near any one of them will put us far from the others. We miss them and our grandchildren who are all growing way too fast. We love to see pictures and videos, but nothing can take the place of hugs and personal communication. But though we love our family dearly, we must ask, “Lord, what would you have me to do?”

Of all the people I have known or could have the privilege of knowing, are these the people you want me to spend my life leading, helping and serving? Do they trust me? Do I trust them? Will that trust continue? Will they follow my leadership? Will they care for our needs? Will we be able to face together the inevitable challenges that will come our way? And they are asking this too. Is he the one, God’s man, for us? Will he lead us where we need to go? Will he be there when we need him? Can we trust him? Of course, having the benefit of a 7-year relationship gives some insight into the answers to these questions, certainly more than what would be given with a brand new relationship. But people change and it is certain that 10 years from now none of us will be the persons we are right now. Hopefully, we will be more mature, more understanding, more committed, and more loving, but we WILL BE different.

Of all the churches I have pastored or could have the opportunity to pastor, is this the one where you want me? Churches have personalities as well as the people who compose them. Certain things, certain programs, certain approaches work, and others don’t. It takes a wise pastor to read the personality of the church and its ministry and lead accordingly. Do I have what it takes to successfully lead this church? Do they think so? What are my expectations? What are theirs? Where are we going in the future? Are we heading in the same direction? If the path changes, will they follow or will I be left to take a hike (both figuratively and literally)? Does this church even want the kind of ministry I want or do they want something entirely different, and can I adjust to that difference?

My situation resembles the scene of a young boy in a by-gone era before the days when children had access to steady allowances or much money who is standing in front of the candy or toy display and with dime in hand, carefully, thoughtfully and deliberately analyzes the options, evaluates the cost, and only after the time allotted by the parents has expired, at the last moment, makes that final and fateful selection, knowing that a wrong choice will bring a wave of regret and that, whatever the choice, he will wonder about what might have been. This may be the most important decision that I have made in ministry. I know that some are thinking that this is no different than any other year when a decision like this must be made. The problem is, before when I faced these kinds of decisions, I always thought that, if the decision was a wrong one, I would have time to correct it or start over. The clock is ticking and I’m running out of time. Like the woman on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” who is using her last lifeline, I am running out of mine. I want these next ten years to be the most focused and fruitful ones. I want to be able to say that I not only finished the race, but I ran the last lap the hardest. I want to make that final burst toward the finish line.

For some of you, this has been TMI. I may have lost you somewhere in the journey, but I hope that those who have journeyed with me may gain a glimpse into what my thinking is. Some are too young to understand, because you “have all the time in the world.” Some may be thinking you are too old to change, so you’re beyond having to face these considerations (don’t forget about Abraham). But a few will readily identify. Whatever your viewpoint, just know that this has been an important time in my life, a pivotal moment bathed in prayer, and has not been taken lightly, but “reverently, discreetly, and in the fear of God,” Let me know your thoughts.